Over the last six months I have lost count of the times someone has shared a problem with me and I have felt completely and utterly useless. No mind blowing solutions to offer. No brilliant advice. Just an ear to lend.
And while an ear is sometimes all people want or need, I do like to be of actual help (beyond listening) and I like having something to offer by way of a solution.
For this reason, something I read in a book called The Secret Life of Pronouns (I know, I am such a geek) caught my eye the other night. While the book’s title is suggestive of some very short words having clandestine meetings in bars, what it covers is far more interesting.
It shows that the way we use pronouns (words like I, you, he, she, it, they, we etc) can be indicative of (amongst other things) our mental health. The early chapters of the book focus on studies done by the author (Social Psychologist James Pennebaker) where the use of expressive writing helps those who have suffered trauma.
Pennebaker discovered that when people were encouraged to write about their trauma not just once, but several times over the course of days, if there was a certain kind of evolution in the types of pronouns they used in their writing, there was also an evolution in their mental state. A positive trending evolution.
The people who made no improvement to their mental state? They were the ones who used the same words over and over to describe their situation. Pennebaker says:
“There was no change to the stories, no growth, no increase in understanding. Repeating the same story in the same way is not unlike ruminative thinking – a classic sign of depression.”
Now at this point in time I am going to cannibalise Pennebaker’s findings and replace ‘trauma’ with ‘everyday problems’ to make a suggestion. (Apologies to all you psychologists out there – feel free to tell me I have no idea in the comments!)
You know that person who has the same catalogue of woes to share with you every time you catch up with them? The person for whom nothing ever changes? Lord knows I have been that person myself.
Here’s a suggestion from the book (words in square brackets are mine):
“If you catch yourself telling the same story over and over in order to get past your distress [or to deal with a situation or problem], rethink your strategy. Try writing or talking about your trauma [or problem] in a completely different way.”
Here’s how this might work.
Jenny has been smoking for 30 years and has tried to quit several times over the last five years. She often moans to her friends that she badly wants to give up but cites a lack of discipline and the strength of her addiction as reasons why she can’t. It’s time for Jenny to change the words she uses to tell her story.
On Day One she might sit down and pour out all her thoughts (stream-of-consciousness style) about smoking and why she wants to quit and why she is having so much trouble doing so.
On Day Two she could write a letter to the 15 year old version of herself who is about to try smoking for the first time. What would she tell her 15 year old self?
On Day Three she could write about her smoking from the point of view of her children and how they feel it affects her health and their ability to socialise with her.
On Day Four she might return to writing about smoking from her own point of view and she can see if her story has changed from Day One. And if her story has changed, does the new story provide her with a new direction from which to tackle her problem?
Another way this might work is if you are the friend listening to the same story over and over again for no perceptible change in behaviour or state of mind. If you have endless patience this might work for you, but if you don’t, why not challenge the person sharing their story to change things up.
You could ask them to pretend it is their partner describing the problem. What words would their partner use to sum things up?
Or ask them to pretend they are in a job interview where they not only have to tell a prospective employer the problem, but also show they have a solution at hand.
I reckon these two approaches will have them changing the words they use pretty quickly. And you never know, it might just give them the breakthrough they are looking for!
Have you ever consciously re-framed a problem from a different point of view to good effect? Or is my amateur psychology above just a load of bollocks?!
I love this!!!!
We often to try to shift our attitude by ‘looking on the bright side’ or being optimistic, but I guess it’s still from the same perspective. Shifting that perspective forces us to not just sugar coat a problem, but to appraise it totally differently – a paradigm shift, if you will!!!
You’re a clever girl, thanks so much
I was totally the same. I always thought that with enough ruminating, any problem could be solved. So when I saw that really, you need a SHIFT in thinking to really make forward progress I thought ‘der! Of course!’
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Lifehacker Tip #27 – Tackle problems by changing the story
I quite rate your amateurish psychology Kelly
I often invite clients to use similar methods in journalling or role playing in an effort to move them from being problem focused to solution focused.
Once you start approaching a problem in a different way or by asking questions, the mind will immediately start looking for answers. It’s also a great way of helping people create some space between themselves and their stories.
kirri recently blogged: Why positive affirmations don’t always work
Oh phew!
And I love that thought of creating some space between themselves and their stories. That makes so much sense!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Lifehacker Tip #27 – Tackle problems by changing the story
Sounds like a good idea and a good book. It’s thought-provoking to think about those stories that do stick in our mind and get repeated so often and this could be a way to move beyond them.
I don’t worry about giving people advice though. The ear is better. Sometimes that’s all we want because there are no real solutions or people don’t want to do the work to fix them. Someone just to listen is wonderful.
I try not to dish out advice unless people ask for it although sometimes it’s so tempting. Maybe an innocent “Oh I wonder what so and so made of that?” would lead them onto a different story and way of thinking which would help them and also allow them to feel like they helped themselves.
Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot recently blogged: 5 Tips to Make Aging Less Painful on Beach Vacations
Oh I definitely agree about not dishing out advice when all someone wants for somebody to listen to them. I was thinking more when someone says to me ‘I need your advice’ … I feel so useless when I have nothing to offer!!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Lifehacker Tip #27 – Tackle problems by changing the story
Like Annabel, I try not to give advice even though the odd: ‘Are you bonkers!!??!!’ has been known to slip out.
I’d love, love, love to hear more about the pronouns… does it mean a healthier mental state if there is less of the ‘I’ and more of the ‘we’ and ‘you’??
Actually from what the book says, what indicates a healthy mental state is switching back and forth from I to you etc (situational of course). It is utterly fascinating Seana!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Lifehacker Tip #27 – Tackle problems by changing the story
When reading this and thinking about ruminating, it got me to thinking about the reverse – that if you were to repeat something positive over and over and over to yourself, would it have the opposite effect of making that thing feel or come true (a la Law of Attraction as I understand it)? Hmmm… food for thought.
Changing your perspective on a problem is something I do often – especially for work/business related, simple problems. I try to reframe the question or the problem. Try to brainstorm alternative solutions. I do find that writing down emotional problems helps me to clear the fog in my own brain. Admittedly deeper problems are harder to crack, but then there are issues of holding onto problems because they are part of my perceived identity, blah, blah that I won’t got into… Let’s just say I’m working on it…
And finally, just for fun for word geeks, have you come across Mark Forsyth’s blog http://www.blog.inkyfool.com? He has combined his blog into two books which are well worth getting too!
Ha ha Em – you always leave the most interesting comments!! And I just lost an hour of my life on that Inky Fool blog!! Might have to buy those two books to stop further procrastination!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Lifehacker Tip #27 – Tackle problems by changing the story
I love this. It must have been you that I saw the quote from yesterday. About telling the same story all of the time, the same way and therefore being unable to move past it. It made quite the impact on me.
Melissa Mitchell recently blogged: Oscar and Reeva and Stella Young’s theory.
Thanks Melissa. When I read that bit of the book it was a bit of a revelation for me too!! Total lightbulb moment!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Lifehacker Tip #27 – Tackle problems by changing the story
This is a great approach, Kelly. I don’t know if it would work with a friend of mine who shares her broken record story with me almost every time we meet but I might try next time. It’s been the same for years. Makes it hard to want to see her now and that’s sad. I am sure I could do with this myself too at times.
Veronica @ Mixed Gems recently blogged: A Poetic Adventure
It’s so hard isn’t it V – especially when you get to the point where you’ve heard the same story SOOO many times you just don’t even want to see that person any more
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Dear Swimming Australia. What. The. Heck.