Over the last few months I have been doing a lot of work on my writing. I have been talking with mentors and getting my words critiqued. And boy oh boy has it been … interesting.
The feedback from these people has been pretty universal.
“There’s nothing wrong with your writing Kelly. You form sentences nicely. You tell stories nicely. You wrap things up nicely. It’s all very … nice.
But it’s also all very safe.”
And when I think about it, there is a very good reason for this safeness. I am nothing if not the classic (Myers-Briggs personality type) INFJ:
“INFJs have a particularly low tolerance for conflict. They work to avoid unnecessary tension or confrontation, and are more likely than most types to take criticism personally. INFJs tend to spend a great deal of time preparing for and then reflecting on any negative interactions.”
Oh yes. That’s pretty much me in a nutshell. I will run a marathon to avoid conflict and confrontation. And I can reflect on negative interactions for days. Ok, weeks. And for the most part I can negotiate life pretty well despite all this (ie I know how to manage it!)
But as writer, it is very limiting. These words from a wise writer friend sums things up nicely:
“Writing has to be fearless. It HAS to. If it’s not fearless then it is bland and boring and won’t resonate with anyone. Better to resonate strongly with some than fall flat with everyone.”
Aargh – but I don’t do fearless! I am not fearless.
And my brain also says to me if you take the less safe route, if you are fearless, then you’re not really being ‘true to yourself’ are you?
Thankfully I have lovely advisers on hand to assure me this is bollocks.
Because regardless of how conflict averse my personality type is, strong views do occupy my head and there are a lot of things I am quite passionate about. I shouldn’t hold back on sharing my passionate views just because I don’t want to offend anyone. Mainly because people can (and will) choose to be offended by even the most vanilla things. Here’s my wise writer friend to the rescue again:
“There is not a single piece of writing in the world that everyone will like. There is not a single opinion in the world everyone will agree with. And that’s okay.”
So today at iVillage I have written a post that falls into that ‘brave’ category. And truth be told it kind of annoys me that this post should even be seen as ‘brave’. Why should it be brave to call society out on the fact that once a woman becomes a mother her thoughts and actions are judged by a single measure: ‘what about the kids’.
Going forward I shall have a lot more to say on that particular topic! Stay tuned 
Are you one of those brave, opinionated people I love and wish I could be more like? Or are you an Olympic level fence sitter like me?
Brilliant!!!! This post (and the one you so “bravely” wrote about on ivillage) really resonates with me. And i know you can’t please everyone but hey, it’s a good start
I have been reflecting on my writing recently and I realise that I too am fairly safe. In rare moments, I feel motivated to share my stronger views, but then I worry about offending someone, or readers just not “getting it”. It’s a frustrating process and I am finding it a hard balance to strike. I understand that not everyone will like everything I write, but I want them to, and I think i need to liberate myself from that “need”. And i LOVE the reference to your myers briggs personality type!!
Michaela Fox recently blogged: Romance after kids
Thanks so much Michaela. It is definitely hard, but I think if there is something you are truly passionate about, and you’re willing to stand behind your opinion, and also back them up with facts … then the balance becomes easier!
Oh and keep an eye out on the weekend – I will have the first post up in answer to one of your questions!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
I’m 100% the same and sadly some people see it as an invitation to walk all over me
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
You were pretty brave weighing into the “write for free” debate! And you’re brave turning up every day to write on your blog and other public forums. Sticking your head above the parapet will always attract attention and criticism and many people would not even go there.
Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right recently blogged: Putting a square family in a round hole
Aw thanks Rach – I really appreciate that
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
Well, the first step to being brave is admitting that you don’t always feel brave:)
As for your writing, I’d say push for the limit. What’s the worst that can happen? Easier said than done but worth a try.
Traveller recently blogged: Happy Valen-denial?
Why thank you
And yes, you are right of course. What IS the worst that can happen?
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
Wise words very much needed at the moment… Thanks Kelly!
Cath recently blogged: Mindful Moments: Week 1
xx Cath
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
Not only am I an out and proud opinionator [and yup I just made that word up] but more often than not I’m an opinionator whose opinion is usually the one that goes against the grain, the black sheep amongst the white. I think not having an issue with conflict helps me to be a out & proud opinionator though
I have no issue with putting it out there and I usually do but I do it respectfully or at least I try to and generally believe I do and that’s the important part there. Have an opinion, PLEASE have an opinion, debate your opinion with others freely BUT do it respectfully.
As for writing, I think if your writing is always honest, real and raw, you can’t go wrong.
Rach aka Stinkb0mb recently blogged: The Hardest Love.
Yes I totally agree. I love reading and hearing strong opinions, even (especially?!) when they differ to mine. So long as everyone can keep the discussion respectful it is all good!!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
We are like the proverbial two peas when it comes to playing nice and avoiding conflict Kelly.
However, I think you are brave Kelly. Very much so.
(off to check out your kidspot post now!)
kirri recently blogged: What is self-love + international self love day
We so are aren’t we Kirri?!!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
So… an INFJ hey? ME TOO!!!!!!
Actually, my “F” is very low, almost a “T” so I identify with INTJ as well. But I digress…
I was nodding along in your first couple of sentences – I’ve abandoned my blog, mostly because I got busy, but also because I realised how Nice it was and that the Niceness is totally useless! I wrote one or two posts about topics I’m passionate about, and then I’d have my heart in my mouth all day in case of backlash. From whom, exactly, is a mystery.
So I know EXACTLY how tough it is for you to write anything remotely controversial, but also how you believe in it with every fibre of your being! Love your integrity and bravery Kel! I’m off to read that post… xx
Ha!! My T and F are also very borderline … I am more T in a work setting, more F in a ‘life’ setting
But I know exactly what you mean about expecting backlash when expressing a strong opinion and having your heart in your mouth all day. I was totally like that with my ‘Writing for free’ post and today I have only just gone and quiveringly looked at my iVillage post!! But I do stand by everything I said in there and that helps
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
PS I miss your blog – both the nice AND the opinionated posts!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
If you’re not standing on the edge, you’re taking up too much room. One of my writing teachers told me that last year, and it’s changed the way I approach my writing. If I feel or think something strongly, I absolutely have to write it out and let my worries sit on the bench. I’m not writing to be popular, I’m writing to reveal the truth or search for solutions or tell the world something it hasn’t heard before.
I’m so proud of you for doing this Kelly, it will make you a stronger writer and a stronger person. Go YOU. x
Karen [rhythm & method] recently blogged: Picking up where we left off
Thank you K! It is HARD because it goes SO against the grain for me. I just keep repeating to myself:
“Writing has to be fearless. It HAS to.”
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
Gah way too familiar with the ways of negative reflection :/
Sometimes you just have to know what you are willing to fight for, for example I have never been a fence sitter about Australian music. If you feel strongly enough then damn the fence and those who disagree, not saying it won’t make you stop thinking it. Disagreeing won’t turn them, it will just make them think
sjp recently blogged: Eclipse
Ha it is so true. I am a fence sitter with a lot of things, but there are certainly things I am passionate about that I am more than willing to jump off the fence for!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: How to be brave when you’re not
Guilty as charged Kel! Am often told the same that I need to be more fearless in my approach. Let’s just hope I one day find the courage to do just that.
Donna Webeck recently blogged: There’s a chair in there… Steelcraft Snack Time Highchair Review + Giveaway
I am hoping it is a skill that comes with practice?!! If it requires completely re-wiring a brain then I am in trouble Don!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Writing vs blogging – where should we spend our words?
I don’t much like conflict and confrontation much either, which makes it tricky when you find you do have strong opinions about things! Some great advice in there Kelly
Carli recently blogged: Something exciting is happening!
It’s hard isn’t it?!! I have to admit I sometimes giggle when I read your posts Carli because I can read between the lines and I know what you’re trying to say, but I am also thinking ‘cmon Carli – let it ALL out!’
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Writing vs blogging – where should we spend our words?
Yes and yes, Kelly. Loved this and the piece you wrote on iVillage. Being fearless is hard, I agree, but being able to say the things that people are thinking and are too afraid to say is indeed a great gift. x
Katie Paul recently blogged: Bikram Yoga #11
Thank you so much Katie. Those words mean a lot!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Writing vs blogging – where should we spend our words?
Lordy Kel, what a topic to choose to be brave with. I do like this feisty Kelly! More fierceness please x
Lisa@Giving Back Girl recently blogged: What’s your thing?
LOL thanks Lise. I have a limited range of topics that I am truly passionate about … and this just happened to be one of them!!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Writing vs blogging – where should we spend our words?
Lol, I am an INFJ too – apparently only 1% of the universe and struggling with the same things
Bon courage!
Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot recently blogged: 3 Biggest Mistakes People Make on Vacation
Seriously – all the coolest people are INFJs aren’t they?!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Writing vs blogging – where should we spend our words?