Over the course of the day 30 emails were exchanged.
Tough questions were asked.
And I was getting more and more dismayed.
Her: What do you want Kelly?
Me: ‘This’ is what I want.
Her: Well you have that already.
This was not what I wanted to hear – that I was already at the summit. Nothing left to conquer. Goals achieved.
So I started to lie. To give the answers I thought she wanted to hear. Naming dreams that were both outlandish and didn’t belong to me.
And she gave me more than I deserved – honouring those declarations with:
Well if that’s what you want Kelly, then here’s what you need to do.
But of course I do not want to do what needs doing. Because what needs doing is in aid of stuff I don’t really want.
The alternative though – it is quite frightening.
If she speaks the truth then I am becalmed in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Rudderless. Nothing to strive for.
This is a new experience.
Never before in my life have I been exactly where I want to be.
I have zero coping mechanisms for this.
Being calm is one of the scariest things an anxiety prone person can experience. When there is no reason to feel anxious (or unsettled, or frantic, or confused, or worried), the only thing left is to create things about which to feel anxious.
Of course, if you can push through it, I’m told the outcome is pretty amazing.
Anna Spargo-Ryan recently blogged: Bye now!
Yep my anxious mind is telling me ‘something terrible MUST be on the horizon’ because ‘utter contentment’ can’t just be enjoyed can it?
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Becalmed
No, everything MUST come unravelled! The anxious mind doesn’t deserve any happiness!
:\ xx
Anna Spargo-Ryan recently blogged: Bye now!
It’s hard to sail when there’s no wind. Maybe you just need to wait for the right moment to know which direction you’ll head? If your gut says no, then your gut is probably right.
I read this fantastic quote last night “You make little decisions with your head, and big ones with your heart” (Kordestani) Maybe you’re just mid-big decision?
Hope you had a lovely Christmas. x
Karen recently blogged: Best of 2012
I love your analogy Karen. I think instead of blowing frantically on the sails in an effort to get things moving, maybe I just need to relax and float. And in good time, something that truly excites and energises me will fill the sails again and I will again have some direction.
Rose W reminded me that maintaining focus on all the good stuff happening right this moment is also a very worthy use of energy … Maybe doing that will let me deal with those anxious little thoughts that are currently hijacking my ability to enjoy feeling content!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Becalmed
That Rose is a very clever motivator indeed!
Anna Spargo-Ryan recently blogged: Bye now!
I’m glad you’re exactly where you want to be, Kelly. I know it’s been a long time coming, and that you deserve it.
Bill.
Bill Harper recently blogged: A surreal Christmas
Thank you so much Bill. Now I just have to sit back and APPRECIATE it!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Becalmed
I’m always wanting to go somewhere just sometimes I just don’t know where.
I think the key is to know it is okay to be calm and where you and let the course direct you rather than you direct the course. So much easier said than done, I know as I’m still finding my way.
Jodi Gibson recently blogged: It’s all in the imagination
Yes! So true Jodes – let the course direct me! That is something I am definitely not used to doing – ceding control!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Becalmed
I think it’s the time of year too. I’m starting to wish I hadn’t called of this unit of study – what’s with this calm business?!
Merry Christmas x
Carli recently blogged: Negative/Positive
It’s very very disconcerting!!!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Becalmed
Let go, my dear friend. x
Maxabella recently blogged: Hello 2013: One word
xx Trying SOO hard!
Kelly Exeter recently blogged: Becalmed